Choosing faith.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Mom knew just what I needed last week... an apple mint herb plant to help my nausea, and the perfect verse to help my soul. Thanks, Mom. 
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and he rewards those who earnestly seek him." - Hebrews 11:6

When I first found out I was pregnant last month, fear crept in.
I wasn't afraid of becoming a mom, but I feared the remaining weeks and months of nursing school. What had I already been exposed to, not knowing I was pregnant? How was I supposed to safely finish school?

The risks are real. In the past few weeks, I've been asked to empty urine of a patient undergoing radiation (a pregnancy no-no), bathe a woman with suspected tuberculosis (uhh no), and care for a preterm baby with cytomegalovirus in the NICU (can't do that either). I've had to say "no" to all of these things and more, and it's made me feel like I'm working in a minefield, a risk at every turn. The fear has just kept building up, and then it turned to anger... "Why does my baby have to be exposed to all of this? Why right now when I have so little control over what I'm being exposed to?"

I frantically set up a meeting with a trusted professor, and when I listed all of these things that felt like such huge risks to the baby, she calmly said, "I hear your concerns. I understand. But I think this is all coming from a place of fear." She said she was more concerned about the stress and exhaustion I was going through, and less about the environmental risks.

She was totally right. There are certain things I can control... I wash my hands religiously, and walk out of the room when radiology shows up to do an x-ray. But the bottom line is that I wasn't trusting God that He was going to protect me and my baby. I didn't get it that He is big enough, good enough, strong enough to conquer all of these risks.

You know, the same God who began to weave together this baby's tiny body without any of my help or knowledge.
The same God who called me to the nursing profession and has provided every step of the way.
The same God who has allowed me to not get sick one single time from hospital exposure.
The same God who heals the sick, raises the dead, and holds every human life in the palm of His hand.
Yeah... Him.

It is so easy to look at the circumstances and want to run and hide. I even (briefly) considered stretching out the rest of my clinical assignments so I wouldn't graduate in May. And I did this because I was afraid. I did it because I didn't trust God, that he loves me passionately. That He cares for the littlest fears I face. That He adores this baby.

I can't say I'm totally there yet, having perfect faith that it's all going to work out and be fine. I still feel anxious knowing that I have almost 100 more clinical hours before graduation, and uneasy when I think about 12-hour shifts away from the baby once the Fall rolls around. But then I have to remember, God's not going anywhere. He's staying right here with me and Shawn and this baby every step of the way. I find so much peace knowing that.

"But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved." - Hebrews 10:39

14 comments:

  1. Whitney, you remind me so much of myself. Ten years ago, I was where you are now. I was in my last semester of nursing school, discovered I was pregnant for the first time, also due in the fall. And I was exposed to all the things you mentioned and more and also battled fear every single day. I was so excited about the new baby, but underneath it all was that nagging: am I doing what's best for this baby? Should I be at home with my feet up, safe from all the dangers in this world? But God had His plans for me, and they were better. He used me as a student, and then as a working nurse, right up to the last few days before my delivery. And He used me after, too. My 12 hours away from my baby were filled with Jesus and joy and pumping! :) And it all worked out just fine. I wouldn't change that time in my life for anything. Those were good, hard, rewarding days. You are so, so good to recognize that faith is something you must choose and hang on to tightly. I want to remember to pray for you as you come to my mind. You are so beautiful, spirit, soul, and body, and though I hardly know you, we are sisters in Christ, right? Hang on to Jesus!

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    1. What an encouragement!! Your comment came at such a perfect time and I read it to Shawn with tears in my eyes. I'm so glad you made it through with no complications, and even moreso, your reminder to hang on to Jesus. It's what I needed to hear. Exactly. Thank you!

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  2. Your words of faith and trust are so beautiful, Whitney! God has you in His sight 24/7 and just as you said in your post, He will NEVER leave you! I'm praying for you, girl! :)

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  3. Very well said, and life is ALWAYS so much better when we do put our trust in the Lord. He is in control of everything-why do we even worry? Good luck with everything!

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  4. Beautiful heart, God is good and He will comfort and protect you!
    About three days after I discovered I was pregnant last year, reality hit me, too, and I freaked out. I realized that in the 5 weeks that I had been pregnant (without knowing it) I had painted my craft room(toxic fumes!), eaten sushi at least once a week (bacteria! ahhh!), used Robitussen and Benadryl for an awful cold (drugs! oh no!), and even electrocuted myself while trying to jump my car at a drive-in movie. But God was good, and our sweet 6 month old Kayleigh Grace is as healthy as she is beautiful. We only tease that her curly hair came from the car-jump!
    He is amazing to care for all of our needs--even before we know that we have them.

    I can't wait to watch your sweet little baby grow!

    ♥ Bethany

    www.happyhomemaker.me

    p.s. praying your morning sickness goes away soon! But hey, wives' tale or not, isn't that a sign of a healthy baby? :)

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    1. I love this... and love that He is big enough to protect that sweet baby (yours and mine!). Thanks for this reminder!

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  5. Still thinking of you and smiling about that little one. I find it a privilege to be in a similar journey (sans pregnancy, of course) with the nursing school experience. Don't give up; it's going to be so worth it!

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    1. Love that we're going through so much at the same time. Thanks for your encouragement!

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  6. Thanks for sharing! I am new to your blog and continue to get a blessing (or at least a smile) from every read.

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  7. This is so inspiring! You are such a wonderful blog to follow, and I'm so happy for you! The Lord will be faithful.

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