Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Pregnancy hormones took over, memories flooded in, and tears filled my eyes. I felt so overwhelmed by sadness that "Shawn and Whitney" would not be so spontaneous anymore, just taking 2-mile hikes through the forest at the drop of a hat. And I felt guilty for not being happy that another person will be joining the party soon. I like it just like it is... I could do this for another 30 years.
Yes, I'm excited to add a little one to the mix. But having a baby was never something we needed to become a family. I would be so, so content with just me and Shawn for the rest of our lives. We never felt incomplete. It just kind of happened and a baby became part of our very near future.
The feelings come in waves - at times, I feel baby kicking and squirming inside of me and can't wait to hold him or her in my arms. And at other times, I feel much more detached and am so grateful we have a few more months to prepare. I know the moment baby arrives, we will both feel overwhelmed with a deep, abiding love that will replace the sadness I feel now. I'm sure you mothers out there who are reading this see a much fuller picture than I do. And I'm sure I'll look back in a few months and think, "If I only knew how amazing it would be." For now, though, it's just a big adjustment.
The spontaneity, the quiet, the coffee dates, the sleeping in, the long walks. I couldn't be more thankful for the past 3 and a half years of just us.